He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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