My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
