I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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