please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
