3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
