I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
