I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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