How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
not ubering you a puppy
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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