wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
