Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Is Oprah even human
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
