OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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