I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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