it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
