After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
