Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
