My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
