your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
