this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
