i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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