please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
