Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
