Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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