jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
