xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
