I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
