I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
