If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
