The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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