mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
