we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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