just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
40s are totally the cure
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
