Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
