my room smells like sperm. sweet.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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