I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
