party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
