bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
