Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
