I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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