well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
