Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
