Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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