The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
