Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
