Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
