Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
