Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
