What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Randomize
