There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
