Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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