I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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