Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
